Cleaning out the closet

It’s been a long time since I have done this, so please bear with me.

We all have closets. We put things in them. Sometimes these things are seasonal trinkets, sometimes they are old videos of family and friends, but better yet sometimes it old clothes that one will never wear.

Every once and awhile I like going through my closet and trashing things I don’t need. “Would I ever wear a sweater with golf clubs on it?” Sorry Mom and Dad… some things might seem like good thoughts at the time… but really??

I’m sort of a pack rat. I get that from my father. However I love the feeling when I shred papers. Knowing they are gone forever never to return. In this digital world it’s easy to change your past and Photoshop people out of your life. But should we? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind deals with this very topic. So I have Gigs of pictures. Most I need to delete. Just images I really don’t want in my life anymore. It’s hard to explain, but for the first time in my life I really want to let go of the past, don’t forget the past, but let it go. I always seem to hold on something from the past, but why? It’s not helping me where I am today. It’s not making today better… so its time to let it go.

I also need to pitch the emotional baggage that has been in the closet for awhile. I need to stop playing the victim. Yes, bad things happen. Yes, once they happen we can’t do anything about them. I need to do as someone once told me, “Deal with it”. I have a laundry list of personal issues. Trust issues, stress, self worth issues, never being good enough, never living up to my potential. Most of these issues stem from situations that took place during my middle school and high school years and maybe before. It’s because of these issues I am horribly destructive to relationships I am in. Instead of being confident on who I am I live in a mode in which I make myself believe, “why would she want to be with me”.

That’s a horrible way to live. You start doubting everything. You start reading into things that shouldn’t be read into. (Well with my Ex it was all true.) It’s just a destructive way to live. People like people who are confident and are ready to conquer the world. They want people who are ready to kick ass and take names. People like passionate people.

When I moved to Spokane I had a lot of passion to get where I am at. Since I got to that position I feel I have been slowly regressing and becoming apathetic. I hate apathy. Where is the guy who wrote the About Me? I once wrote this “Dante said that the hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in time of crisis remain neutral, so I am often passionate about items in my daily life.

No matter what it's a beautiful world, rain or shine. I have dreams and I will go after them, I am passionate and believe in my convictions.” Damn… While the text seems somewhat dry...I remember that person. He wanted to change the world. He wanted to make a difference. He’s still here but I think he’s behind the cowboy hat and polyester pants, he’s in the back of the closet.

Another thing I need to do is forgive myself for what I have done to others. I was not the best boyfriend in the world. It’s funny, when I had roommates we use to talk about A-holes who get good looking girls, girls that deserve to be with someone else. In the back of my mind at times I would think to myself “I am that A-hole”. Someone kick me in the head. Karma might be something you believe in… but don’t use it as an excuse not to be happy. Don’t be destructive.

If you haven’t figured it out yet... this blog is not one I am typing for anyone else but me. It’s a blog to get me moving again.

It’s time for me to clean out my closet. I need to throw all these issues out and grow. I need to do this to better myself and be a stronger person in general. Take everyday for what it is and live life to its fullest. The one thing I should have taken from Josh’s death is “Live life for today, live it to the fullest, you never know what tomorrow will bring. This does not mean don’t plan for the future. Just don’t let the past be a destination. History will repeat itself unless we learn from it.

I have a wonderful family, awesome friends, and a girlfriend that loves me and who I want to give my life too. I surround myself with good positive people that care. I want to better myself, NOW!

So where do I start. Well… always looking on the bright side of life. I am going to realize that not everyone is trying to get me. I am going smile. I’m writing down my dreams and I am going to tackle them. I am going to write down my faults and fix them. I am going to let down my walls and let people in.

A friend said after my last relationship that I needed to take anything that reminded me of it and burn it. At that time I thought it was a harsh thing to do. I now understand why she said it. Even though I have a box of broken promises hidden somewhere in my closet I still know its there. Its there saying, “look at me, I am the box of bad memories and hard times... you should feel sorry for yourself sucker… You should not be happy”. I say screw the box (reminded of the Justin Timberlake SNL short.) The box is dead tonight (I’ll have pictures of the event) and anyone else who wants to destroy their personal box tonight let me know. I have a fireplace.

A change needs to happen and it needs to happen NOW.

With everything else, I am looking to take some night classes at the community college here.

I will leave you with some awesome Les Brown quotes.

“If you don't program yourself, life will program you!”
“Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on.”
“Forgive those who have hurt you.”
“Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours.”
“Review your goals twice every day in order to be focused on achieving them.”
“You need to make a commitment, and once you make it, then life will give you some answers.”
“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.”

And one final one…

“Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.”

Peace, hugs and handshakes.