The questions I always wonder about but I am afraid to ask.
So I have been reading a Book called Wild at Heart: Discovering the secret of a man's soul. I find the book explaining addictions, tendencies, relationships and why I have been a certain way for so long.
I am going to start this off by saying… I have not been truthful to you. The person you have seen is not the true person I am. In front of my friends I can be the joy of the party… I can say things don't bother me, but they do. I can say that everything is okay… but honestly its not. The reason I am saying this is because for the longest time I have looked at everyone in my life wondering… Why do they want me around? What are they trying to get out of me? Or what can I get out of them? I did this with roommates, ex's, friends … you name it… I could never believe anyone wanted me around, because of me.
My roommates at one time use to say, "Why is that assface with that person?" when they saw a real jerk in a bar or restaurant. I'd agree with then… "Ya I would never treat someone like that" I would say… Meanwhile in the back of my head I was thinking… I am the assface. I just hide it, but on a façade and let people believe what they want to believe.
For the longest time I have judged my masculinity on society's version of what is significant. The book has just asked me to be honest with myself and say where I feel my sense of power comes from. This has been an eye opener for me… Here is what I think makes me powerful.
Making sure I have a secure and great position at a company.
That I make sure I am living on my own with no roommates or help from friends and family.
Make sure that I have a relationship.
Make sure I have a lot of friends that like me... because that shows to other I am important in other people's lives.
That I make my parents happy by never asking for help and that I prove to them that my life is always secure and never broken.
That I can prove myself to former classmates that I am better off then they are.
That I can prove to former ex's and friends that my life is better off with out them around.
These things were the things that made me feel powerful, but the true question... Did they make me more of a man?
The book asks then for me to ask myself… How would I feel tomorrow if I lost everything on this list? And that my friend becomes the problem. I am living for this list and not for myself and my own character. According to the definition of what makes me feel "proud" of myself… if I lost it all tomorrow I would be devastated. More then devastated… extremely lost, crushed, doubtful, angry, upset, mortified and impotent. Even the thought and stress of losing any of these have made me feel this away already, and when that happens I start to shut down.
This list isn't what makes a man. What makes a man is passion, humility, servitude, being strong in the face of adversity, being decisive when needing to be, and sitting back and listening when that time comes, loving people who love you. That's the man I want to be... not the poser I have been. That's why I am doing this.
The questions I have for my friends are these.
What is my effect on you?
What am I like to live/work/be with?
What don't you feel you can bring up to me?
Maybe this post will come as a shock. Maybe it will reaffirm some thoughts you have had for years on me. In the end the post is just helping me on a journey…one to find my own voice.
Peace
I am going to start this off by saying… I have not been truthful to you. The person you have seen is not the true person I am. In front of my friends I can be the joy of the party… I can say things don't bother me, but they do. I can say that everything is okay… but honestly its not. The reason I am saying this is because for the longest time I have looked at everyone in my life wondering… Why do they want me around? What are they trying to get out of me? Or what can I get out of them? I did this with roommates, ex's, friends … you name it… I could never believe anyone wanted me around, because of me.
My roommates at one time use to say, "Why is that assface with that person?" when they saw a real jerk in a bar or restaurant. I'd agree with then… "Ya I would never treat someone like that" I would say… Meanwhile in the back of my head I was thinking… I am the assface. I just hide it, but on a façade and let people believe what they want to believe.
For the longest time I have judged my masculinity on society's version of what is significant. The book has just asked me to be honest with myself and say where I feel my sense of power comes from. This has been an eye opener for me… Here is what I think makes me powerful.
Making sure I have a secure and great position at a company.
That I make sure I am living on my own with no roommates or help from friends and family.
Make sure that I have a relationship.
Make sure I have a lot of friends that like me... because that shows to other I am important in other people's lives.
That I make my parents happy by never asking for help and that I prove to them that my life is always secure and never broken.
That I can prove myself to former classmates that I am better off then they are.
That I can prove to former ex's and friends that my life is better off with out them around.
These things were the things that made me feel powerful, but the true question... Did they make me more of a man?
The book asks then for me to ask myself… How would I feel tomorrow if I lost everything on this list? And that my friend becomes the problem. I am living for this list and not for myself and my own character. According to the definition of what makes me feel "proud" of myself… if I lost it all tomorrow I would be devastated. More then devastated… extremely lost, crushed, doubtful, angry, upset, mortified and impotent. Even the thought and stress of losing any of these have made me feel this away already, and when that happens I start to shut down.
This list isn't what makes a man. What makes a man is passion, humility, servitude, being strong in the face of adversity, being decisive when needing to be, and sitting back and listening when that time comes, loving people who love you. That's the man I want to be... not the poser I have been. That's why I am doing this.
The questions I have for my friends are these.
What is my effect on you?
What am I like to live/work/be with?
What don't you feel you can bring up to me?
Maybe this post will come as a shock. Maybe it will reaffirm some thoughts you have had for years on me. In the end the post is just helping me on a journey…one to find my own voice.
Peace
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home